The Corkboard Laws of the Cooper Gang
by M. Christine Armstrong
Summary: Trying to maintain order in a gang of thieves that contains everyone from a super-genius turtle and a down-on-her luck Interpol agent to a French lounge lizard and people from the distant past is tough. To the rescue: the Corkboard Laws, a wacky list of do's and do-not's the Cooper Gang has developed from the day-to-day challenge of dealing with one another.
1. Chapter 1

I will be working on my more serious fics again soon, but I really needed to get this one out of my head. I realize that fics like this are already a trend on this website, but it's just so fun to write! For similar fics, check out Sekhem's 'Supplemental Rules and Regulations,' gothfeary's 'Things Not To Do At The SGC,' and Cammy's 'The Atlantis Handbook,' all of which can be found in the 'Favorite Stories' section of my profile page. And yes, I did borrow some rules from those fics.

Sly Cooper is the property of Sanzaru Games; reader discretion advised.

Oh, and if you have any ideas for rules, review and put a request in!

* * *

_These kinds of things always start with something simple. In this case, it started when Sly fiddled around with Bentley's slides and projector the night before a big heist as some kind of stupid joke._

_Bentley, to put it mildly, was not amused._

_Immediately afterwards, the irritated turtle wrote the first rule on a white index card and stuck it to the gang's homemade corkboard. He then declared that anything stuck to said corkboard was gang law and would be obeyed forever afterwards._

_Little did he know that he'd started a chain reaction that would soon take on a life of its own…_

_/_

If you're not Bentley and you don't have his permission, don't touch Bentley's technology.

~ **EVER**.

_After everyone saw what the turtle had done to Sly's tail after the projector incident, this one was unanimously agreed upon._

_/_

For everyone's health and safety, do not insult Dimitri's fashion sense.

~ Even if it is questionable.

~ I don't care if Sly did and got away with it. Don't do it.

_Sly may have gotten away with it, but his fur had bald spots for weeks afterwards and they stung like the dickens._

_/_

If you are fairly certain that a female member is having her time of the month, don't piss her off.

~ Or hoard suger/chocolate.

_"__Penelope's that bad, Bentley?"_

_"__Oh sweet mother of God."_

_/_

If you find your ancestor asleep at his post, leave him alone. Don't wake him up for anything short of the end of the world.

_"__Cute, Salim. You're still doing it."_

_/_

Don't ask how everyone is able to understand everything the Guru and Bob Cooper say but half the time nobody can understand anything Dimitri says.

~ We're not entirely sure ourselves.

_"__What you cracker-box bros throwing down about Dimitri?"_

_Sly shook his head and muttered, "Case in point."_

_/_

The phrase "Heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned" is not an exaggeration. For the safety of yourself and others, please bear that in mind when trying to make decisions about your romantic life.

~ You know who you are.

_Carmelita was still pretty PO'd about the whole amnesia thing and she wasn't letting anyone forget it, least of all the party responsible._

_/_

Penelope's RC vehicles are not toys. Please refrain from using them as such.

_Sly and Murray had thought it would be fun to race Penelope's RC cars. Unfortunately, Murray got a little reckless with his and crashed it into a wall, breaking various components. _

_The two of them had to go into hiding for a week after Penelope found out._

_/_

Mess with Murray's van at your own risk.

_Apparently, a few members of a rival gang had decided to sabotage the gang's getaway vehicle and Murray caught them._

_The doctor says they should make a full recovery in about three months._

_/_

Do not question Rioichi's love of anime.

~ Really, people, it's not that confusing. He is Japanese, after all.

~ Even if he is from the Feudal Era.

_"__I swear I feel a connection with Spike-san."_

_"__Whatever you say, Rioichi." _


	2. Chapter 2

_Requests are most welcome. Thank you to_ olirulz111.

_Lots of Bentley in this chapter..._

* * *

_Just as Sly walked into the safehouse, he heard several screams, shouts of "Blood!" and a loud _bang! _from down the hallway. Thinking that his friends were being attacked, he ran towards where he heard the sounds._

_Then he saw what __really__ happened._

_Sly facepalmed, muttered something about working with teenagers, and composed the next rule on the corkboard._

/

If you and your significant other must "have some privacy," then for the love of all that is pure and holy in this world, LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!

~ And while we're on the subject, please do it in your bedroom.

_Turns out Bentley and Penelope had been – erhem – "getting busy" with one another in the common room and Murray walked in. They all screamed bloody murder, and not only did Murray get a nosebleed, but he also fainted._

/

If an encountered criminal has the word "Black" at the beginning of their name, then nine times out of ten, it's Penelope.

_Bentley had done some checking. Apparently his girlfriend had been using aliases that began with the word "Black" since preschool. The gang was divided on whether to find this pathetic or hilarious, but either way no-one was surprised._

/

If you don't do as Bentley tells you, he is not liable for your injuries.

_Dimitri tried to spear a shark when he was specifically told not to. Bentley was smug about that for weeks._

/

Beating up someone just because the two of you have different tastes in music is unprofessional and childish. Don't do it.

~ Even if that someone is Dimitri.

~ Bentley, I'm surprised with you.

_"Ear plug sales have quadrupled in the last 4 minutes,"__Bentley grumbled._

/

"Never Have I Ever" is banned from all gang safehouses and from the gang van.

_Carmelita had come back from a job, only to find the rest of the Cooper Gang (excluding Rioichi) as drunk as lords. The resultant hangovers pushed the date of the heist back a week._

/

You are not allowed to lock Sly and Carmelita in a closet and take bets on what happens.

~ Despite being amusing, the resulting fallout isn't worth it.

_Tennessee won the betting pool: Sly with a dislocated jaw, Murray whimpering in a corner, and Bentley booking it out of the safehouse at top speed trying to avoid being shocked. _

/

Sly's cane does not require routine tests, maintenance or otherwise.

~ Looking at you, Bentley.

_Bentley had been testing Sly's cane to figure out how and why it glowed when Sly did heavy attacks. Sly proceeded to steal the turtle's pocket particle accelerator and hold it over his head until Bentley gave him his cane back._

/

If you are fairly certain that you're not going to like the answer, don't ask the question.

_A female member of the gang had asked Sly whether or not a dress made her look fat. When Sly gave her his answer, she grabbed his cane and beat his head in with it. Bentley, for his part, laughed until his face hurt._

/

Do not attempt to blackmail Bentley.

~ Trust us on this. He knows more about your buried bodies than you do about his.

_The turtle had more dirt on the world's major criminals than Interpol and the UN put together, and he had at least five informants in every country. _


	3. Chapter 3

_Apparently, Sly forgot one of the earlier rules and made a disparaging remark concerning Dimitri's suit. Naturally, the iguana snapped._

_"__I am down in the dumps with your crackerjack comments on my bling! Sly Cooper, I fight you in a duel to the pain!"_

_Everyone stared at Dimitri for approximately fifteen seconds before Sly came up with a response._

_"__Did you just challenge me to a duel to the death?" he said._

_"__Non, duel to the pain, brother! Let's dance!"_

_Sly looked around at the other people in the safehouse, then back at Dimitri. "Dimitri," he said, sounding like he was choking on something, "do you even know what a duel to the pain is?"_

_"__Ahhh…no."_

_The next rule appeared after everyone could breathe again._

/

If you're going to challenge someone to a duel to the pain, make sure you actually know what a duel to the pain is.

~ The people who've actually watched _The Princess Bride_ will laugh at you if you don't.

_Sly, Bentley, Murray, Penelope, Carmelita and (surprisingly) the Guru couldn't stop laughing for an hour. Everyone else just looked on in confusion._

/

You are not allowed to call in dead.

_The lengths Salim was going to in order to get out of working were starting to verge on the absurd._

/

You are not allowed to prank Sir Galleth with fake technology out of pop culture.

~ No matter how hilarious it is.

_"__First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached…I say, Sly, are you sure this will work?" _

_Sly grinned. "Of course."_

/

As you value your life and your reason, do not – I repeat, DO NOT – attempt to steal the _Thievius Raccoonus._

~ You heard me. Don't do it.

~ At all.

_Some master-thief-wannabe decided that the best way to get his skills up to par would be to steal the _Thievius Raccoonus. _Unfortunately for him, he hadn't gotten any farther than touching the book before he was cornered by six raccoons with this __look__ in their eyes. _

_The doctor says he should make a full recovery in about four months. _

/

Sly and Carmelita are not to be referred to as Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye.

~ Nor is their relationship to be compared to Royai.

_Sly had tried to use an analogy to one of Carmelita's favorite anime pairings to get back into her good graces. It backfired, and the police officer spent an hour yelling at him for trying to sully the great name of Royai._

/

Do not try to comprehend Murray's willingness to cross-dress.

_Several people were still pretty confused about the whole 'Madame Geisha' thing, in more ways than one._

/

The Cooper Gang is not responsible for your brain breakage.

~ Especially if we don't like you.

_"__Just so we're all clear on that."_

/

You are only allowed to discuss appropriate matters on binocucom channels.

~ Really, people. Save it for the bedroom.

_"__I think we broke Galleth."_

/

Don't pervert the English language.

_By the time Carmelita and Penelope had finished with the word 'unit,' Tennessee had fainted and Panda King couldn't stop blushing for two hours._


	4. Chapter 4

_Bentley knew what happened the instant he walked into the safehouse and saw his schematics scattered everywhere, the walls covered with scorch marks, and several gang members cowering behind the furniture. He sighed and went to seek out the parties responsible._

_An hour later, Carmelita's shock pistol was in the gang's safe and the newest rule was on the corkboard._

/

Shooting at your significant other is not an appropriate means of relieving sexual tension.

_"__Bentley!"_

_"__Carmelita. Please. Don't even __try__ to deny it."_

/

Do not question the mustache.

_"__Jealousy is such an ugly emotion, Sly."_

/

Do not make Hetalia jokes about the mustache.

_Carmelita raised her eyebrows. "Sly and Bentley watch __Hetalia__?"_

_Penelope nodded sheepishly. "It's my fault."_

/

If you are going to drink Bentley's sarsaparilla, you are limited to half a bottle per day.

~ Sugar highs are not conducive to work getting done.

_Carmelita didn't think it was possible for people to literally bounce off walls…_

/

For everyone's health and safety, do not tell Carmelita that she looks drop-dead sexy in a miniskirt.

~ Whether she does or not is beside the point.

_It was widely agreed upon that Sly needed to cut back on the FMA references._

/

The "Ten-Second-Head-Start" is never to be mentioned.

~ The time Sly and I danced is not to be mentioned either.

~ Ditto the amnesia thing.

~ Violators will be shot.

_"__How's life in the doghouse, Sly?"_

_"__Bentley, drop dead."_

/

You are not allowed to whistle the theme to "Mission Impossible" while on a job.

~ Ditto the theme to "The Pink Panther."

~ It's cliché and it's too easy for people to hear you.

_Sly and Bentley, again. The burns they got from flashlight guards deterred them from watching either movie for a month._

/

Bentley's wheelchair is neither a toy, nor a soapbox derby car. Please refrain from using it as such.

_"__Thanks, Sly."_

_"__No problem, pal."_

/

When normal people post questions to "Ask Kaia," it's fine. When we do it, it just looks weird.

_"__What's 'Ask Kaia'?"_

* * *

_If you get the reference in the last joke, you are cool. (And Kaia Jenks does not belong to me either. She belongs to Neassa)._


End file.
